computer addiction

[judyboots]

Please help me with advice for my 22 year old son at uni in his third year.

From a sunny individual he has developed into an anxious adult,prone to occasional panic attacks, with certain aspects of personality..(apparent to his mum from an early age..restlessness,difficulty concentrating,needing immediate gratification,acting on impulse repeatedly,etc etc). (ADHD was ruled out in his early teens.) which make him struggle to be a responsible adult.

It is touch and go whether he will get his degree, but more importantly we worry how he will cope with independent living..and probably no job when he comes out of uni next year. He repeatedly gets into debt, cannot seem to prioritise his spending and ignores any official correspondence. He has enormous difficulty talking to us although underneath it all we are a close loving family. We feel we are losing a son.

A large factor in all this is a 'default' to his laptop for enormous amounts of time especially when he's at home. We think this enables him to avoid thinking about sorting out problems. From an early age any computer time was limited as we saw how 'sucked in' he was..and the anger that resulted from taking him away from the screen. Whilst at home he will sit on his bed for usually 10 hours a day on it.

Can you tell us please how we can get him to recognise and get help for what we see as an addiction ...and is there a general recognition yet of the problems of 'screens' for certain personality types.

[saraht]

Hi Judy

How worried you must be. Although this is not my area of expertise, addiction of any kind has common threads, and it seem as if you son has most definitely become addicted to the internet. This a growing trend, and clinics are opening all over America that just specialize in this specific addiction, affecting not just the young. The current trend of being able to access almost anything and anyone without any real effort with the rise of social media has been now seen to be very damaging to many.

So, yes this is a real issue, and he is not alone with it.

In Connecticut, Dr. David Greenfield, a psychiatrist who founded the Centre for Internet and Technology Addiction and teaches at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine, prescribes installation of website blocking and monitoring software for his patients' computers.
"Patients' social skills atrophy, and they don't know how to live in a real time world," said Greenfield. He asks his patients to list 100 things they can do in the "real world" rather than reading their Facebook feeds, fussing with their Apple iPhones or escaping into their Microsoft Xbox games.

I should imagine many of his peers at Uni will be equally entranced Judy and you will be up against it, currently I think the Priory Group in the UK have a programme in place, but as with other misuse he really has to want to temper it, for treatment to work.

I hope this helps a little.

[Gary Turner]

"From a sunny individual he has developed into an anxious adult,prone to occasional panic attacks, with certain aspects of personality..(apparent to his mum from an early age..restlessness,difficulty concentrating,needing immediate gratification,acting on impulse repeatedly,etc etc). (ADHD was ruled out in his early teens.) which make him struggle to be a responsible adult."

Hmm. Let me play devil's advocate, just to give an alternate perspective.

The problems your son has are the panic attacks and anxiety. This he will have learnt. He can therefore learn to be different.

Perhaps his laptop is avoidance behaviour to prevent him suffering from his anxiety. Maybe it is his 'comfort blanket'...and no wonder he gets annoyed if it is taken away or time on it is limited? Particularly as he may be able to communicate better electronically rather than face to face?

If it is games, then it is great escapism, and there are studies that show that game playing increases problem solving abilities, attention and focus - just the same as there are studies showing that game playing is bad for you.

Without working with your son it is not possible to see exactly what the problems are, let alone how to work with them. Anxiety is, for me, a relatively easy thing to work with. It is an expert area of mine. A professional will be able to help him on a one-to-one basis - and help him appropriately.

I would actively encourage him to see a professional (contact me or other expert Adam Eason if you want recommendations in your area) and let him know that seeing the professional is all about HIM, not what parents or anyone else wants.

This post may help you think a little differently?

Hope it helps too of course...

[judyboots]

"From a sunny individual he has developed into an anxious adult,prone to occasional panic attacks, with certain aspects of personality..(apparent to his mum from an early age..restlessness,difficulty concentrating,needing immediate gratification,acting on impulse repeatedly,etc etc). (ADHD was ruled out in his early teens.) which make him struggle to be a responsible adult."

Hmm. Let me play devil's advocate, just to give an alternate perspective.

The problems your son has are the panic attacks and anxiety. This he will have learnt. He can therefore learn to be different.

Perhaps his laptop is avoidance behaviour to prevent him suffering from his anxiety. Maybe it is his 'comfort blanket'...and no wonder he gets annoyed if it is taken away or time on it is limited? Particularly as he may be able to communicate better electronically rather than face to face?

If it is games, then it is great escapism, and there are studies that show that game playing increases problem solving abilities, attention and focus - just the same as there are studies showing that game playing is bad for you.

Without working with your son it is not possible to see exactly what the problems are, let alone how to work with them. Anxiety is, for me, a relatively easy thing to work with. It is an expert area of mine. A professional will be able to help him on a one-to-one basis - and help him appropriately.

I would actively encourage him to see a professional (contact me or other expert Adam Eason if you want recommendations in your area) and let him know that seeing the professional is all about HIM, not what parents or anyone else wants.

This post may help you think a little differently?

Hope it helps too of course...

Thank you for your comments.

As for the 'thinking differently'...you have no idea how many hours/days years have been spent trying to understand every perspective of our sons difficulties.!! And indeed of our approach to them.

We know that anxiety is the main issue. And the computer issue is a symptom of this. And our emphasis has always been that there is a lot of help available to support him with his difficulties but that he has to want to seek it..not at all for our sake but his.

He denies his problems until he finds himself in desperate situations when he says things like 'I have ruined my life so far.............' so is aware that he is not in a happy place.

I suppose our most pressing question is...what can we do to help him WANT to find help. He is coming home for xmas shortly and we are all going to be walking on eggshells around him. it is very difficult for everyone when he shuts himself away with his laptop (as he has done for the last 3 years on his return home for holidays) .

We have now come to understand that all the good advice in the world from us is not making any difference. We just don't know how to handle things when he comes home in a week or so. We feel the talking leads nowhere..except to heated argument.... and he is always so defensive. Should we let him do what he wants ie seperate himself off from the family again? We have tried the 'leave him alone and he's more likely to open up' approach and it hasn't yielded fruit over a period of years now.

The effect of years of worry over our son is now taking its toll on my husband and I. Financially and emotionally. And yes, we know that's our problem,not his, but it does effect what emotional resources we have left to support him .

He has received counselling for a few months last summer..he found it helpful and on his last session said that he felt he was about to open up and be able to talk about the real issues. he then didn't follow up the recommendation of weekly sesssions at Uni...and didn't see the counsellor at home again. He says at present he is 'middling' and not too stressed which makes his his lack of contact with us....(not answering texts,phone calls.etc ..unless he needs rent money) less excusable we feel.

We are ever aware of the perception to many counsellors/therapist of parents being hindrances rather than help..... .......do we now just opt out and wait until he is in a very bad place and desperate enough to have no alternative than seek professional help?

We would be grateful for your recommendations of therapists in this area....in the hope our son might seek help again.

[Gary Turner]

Hi, where abouts do you live? Pop me an email to gary@garyturner.co.uk and I'll source and send some recommendations - I'll be back on email Monday.

Don't try to understand your son - you never will, the only one who can is himself - you'll colour your understanding with your own experiences and thoughts.

The parents role is a tough one, I feel for you.

I would definitely encourage him to see a professional, though also be prepared to go to a couple to find one your son 'clicks' with.