Self Sabbotage

[Carole.Doncaster]

Hi, all my life (I'm now 51) I've been battling with my weight, I know it all stems from my self esteem issues, childhood, first relationships and all that, but with all those years of conditioning that I'm no good for anything, anyone, not pretty (enough) never amount to anything, if I slim it's because I'm getting ready to leave someone for another..... (which I am not)..... how do I re-condition my mind.

Some of the seminars I've been on, I could take them, I could teach others, and motivate them to lose weight, improve their confidence, see the values they have within them, but can't do it to myself..... How do I get to the point where I will do anything to help anyone else..... but can't or won't help myself. I KNOW what I should be doing, but end up doing the opposite (to spite [myself?]). Really, who am I kidding, it is like I have all the head knowledge but don't have the heart to do it myself.

How do I get over this self sabbotage?

[Wendy Green]

Hi Carole,

Self-sabotage is usually due to a combination of negative thoughts, negative feelings and self-defeating behaviours, caused by low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth and confidence, that block your ability to reach your goals. When you consciously want something, but you subconsciously make sure you don’t get it, your inner saboteur is at work.

If your self-sabotaging behaviour is down to low self-esteem I suggest you take a look at this response I posted yesterday, in which I suggest ways to boost your self-esteem:
viewtopic.php?f=547&t=5547#p16236

However, another reason you might be sabotaging your weight loss efforts could be because you're AFRAID of losing weight; a lot of people mistakenly think that if they're slim they'll have to be perfect in every way i.e. confident, successful, attractive - so they actually fear being slim. What if they don’t live up to their own or other people's expectations? Being overweight becomes a way of avoiding having to be this perfect person with a perfect life.

For other people, the opposite may be true - they lose weight because they think their lives will be perfect once they're slim. But, once they lose weight and realise this isn’t the case, many then start comfort eating, and consequently regain the weight they lost, and more.

If you think this applies to you, try developing a more realistic perception of what losing weight will actually do for you; it'll probably improve your health and could boost your confidence, but you'll still be the same person you always were - with both good and bad points. Changing your shape will not magically change you as a person, or your life, it will simply change your shape!

In a nutshell - work on your self-esteem and make sure that you don't have unrealistic expectations about losing weight that are subconsciously putting you off doing so.

I hope this makes sense and that you manage to find the strength to lose your excess weight and enjoy life; you may find my advice on weight loss in my other posts helpful.

Wendy

[Gary Turner]

Hi!

I get clients in my hypnotherapy like this often. Everyone is an individual, and as such without you being in front of me it is hard to direct exact advice to you, so I must generalise.

You've learnt to be this way - which means you can learn to be NOT this way. In fact, you can learn to be anyway you so wish...

A skilled psych worker will be able to help you with all that you have written about. I'm a hypnotherapist, like Adam Eason, and we deal with clients issues like this daily. Also look to cognitive behaviour therapy or a psychologist skilled in this area - we'd all work the same - help you to think differently!

So you can get help, which is likely to be successful too - give it a go!

[Adam Eason]

Hello Carole,

In addition to the valuable popints made already, I'd add the following:

I've been battling with my weight, I know it all stems from my self esteem issues, childhood, first relationships and all that

I would not want to belittle your personal history Carole, but just because something has happened one way in the past, it does not mean it has to happen that way in the future. I also think that our past behaviours may well have trained us to behave a particular way, but does not mean we need to deal with our past to make changes in the now. It is a common misconception, and certainly not very evidence based, for anyone to suggest that they need to examine their past to make changes in current behaviours.

but with all those years of conditioning that I'm no good for anything, anyone, not pretty (enough) never amount to anything,

These are some BIG generalisations, some BIG catastrophisations and my, they are grandiose! No good for anything?? No good for anyone? (That includes everyone!) Never amount to anything? Not anything at all? With the simple act of communicating so well here, you have proven you have amounted to more than nothing.

These kinds of self-statements and cognitions can/may well be fuelling the feelings that are making it hard to make changes. If I took any well-adjusted, happy person and told them to repeat these sentiments over and over for a few weeks to themselves with meaning, you know how they'd end up feeling, right?

how do I re-condition my mind.

I'd recommend one of or a combination of the following:

- CBT - to help you alter and positively affect your cognitive distortions - because they are just that; distortions, mis-truths which you are making yourself believe in. If you need help finding a suitable practitioner, let me know - there will be many good quality, experienced practitioners in your locality.

- Hypnotherapy - Evidence proves that much of CBT is advanced with hypnosis as an adjunct. Seek out an evidence-based, experienced hypnotherapist. I recommend looking for someone local to you via the website of the National Council for Hypnotherapists - www.hypnotherapists.org - but vet the therapists and see if they adhere to evidence based principles and have a good depth of experience with your type of issue.

- Self-Hypnosis - find a local seminar, work with a therapist who can teach you, or read my book; The Science of Self-Hypnosis: The Evidence-Based Way to Hypnotise Yourself" it has no pseudoscience and is a very practical guide.
(http://www.amazon.co.uk/Science-Self-Hy ... f-hypnosis)

Some of the seminars I've been on, I could take them, I could teach others, and motivate them to lose weight, improve their confidence, see the values they have within them, but can't do it to myself..... How do I get to the point where I will do anything to help anyone else..... but can't or won't help myself.

Knowing what to do and applying it are very different. You might like to use your knowledge and forulate what you'd do with your own self if you were teaching you at a seminar - if you gave the same objections, raised the same issues as you have written here, what would you say to yourself if you were on this panel of experts, or if you were running the seminar with a delegate citing these points? Tell me

I KNOW what I should be doing, but end up doing the opposite (to spite [myself?]).

When you say you know what you 'should' be doing - the word implies that you feel obligated to doing it, as opposed to actually wanting to do these things. Your underpinning reasoning for this will influence how you mobilise your energies - make sure you are doing this for reasons that motivate you and inspire you and find some aspect of this that you are passionate about if possible. Stop doing what you think you should do and start thinking about what you want to do and the reasons it will bring you joy and happiness.

Really, who am I kidding, it is like I have all the head knowledge but don't have the heart to do it myself.

When I read this entry you posted Carole, I could tell you do have heart - this is communicated with heart. You have the heart, you are trying to convince yourself that you do not have it. Stop doing that and recognise who and how you really are.

How do I get over this self sabbotage?

I hope I have given you some ideas here. I wish you the very, very best going forward Carole, get in touch again if you have further questions or queries. Adam.