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Asexual, or Premature Ejaculation? or both?

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:42 pm
by cookiemonster66
Hope Ive posted in the correct category? I believe my hubby is Asexual, he shows no (and has never done so) inclination, interest or desire for sex whatsoever. He does not understand the concept of lust or desire, or sexual urges at all. I myself however have a high sex drive, although I am trying to dampen it down to avoid sexual frustration. Sometimes the frustration becomes too much, and sex toys just dont scratch the itch, and I make it known I need some interaction with him and some gratification, He will perform oral on me when requested, as I understand some asexuals do still like to please and gratify their partners. Where I need help is that I am not sure how to turn him on, he doesnt like me to touch his penis, he pulls away as if its too sensitive, he never gets fully erect, its always semi and it can go down again within seconds, if I do manage to get it semi hard ready to insert into me, within a couple of strokes , he has ejaculated! so I am confused about what to do? I need to play with it to get it up, but then he ejaculates instantly even when he is NOT fully erect, he never gets fully erect? He will not discuss anything concerning these issues at all, he is so shy, he is not a very confident man and I know if I even brought it up he would be absolutely shattered and I dont know who to ask, or what to do, is there some technique I should try? I am very sexually experienced but have never met a man like him before. He is a fit and healthy 40 year old, does not smoke, drink or do any drugs, he is not overweight or diabetic. He is definately NOT gay or bi, he just has no sex drive whatsoever.

Re: Asexual, or Premature Ejaculation? or both?

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:29 pm
by Dr Helen Webberley
Hi there, I can hear the frustration you must be feeling and I'm sorry that you are facing these problems. It is a very difficult sitaution as your husband doesn't seem to want to address these problems, and without him wanting any help it is very diffciutl to help. There are organisations such as 'relate' that offer couple therapy, and there are also doctors and nurses who specialise in 'psychosexual medicine' who would also be able to help. However, it is really your husband who needs to want the help. Would you be able to start discussions with your husband, even at a very early stage such as asking him if he is happy with your sex-life and is there anything that he would like to change? Communication is the key in every sexual relationship and I would urge you to try and talk, howver dificult it is. I hope this helps, Dr Webberley

Re: Asexual, or Premature Ejaculation? or both?

Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:48 pm
by cookiemonster66
Thanks Helen, hopefully I can build his confidence so that we can then try and approach the issue.

Re: Asexual, or Premature Ejaculation? or both?

Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:02 pm
by Louisa Draper
Hi there, thanks for your message. It's great that you are seeking help for this, as I'm sure that there is something you will be able to do to improve the situation between you and your husband. Many people have different sex drives, but it would be good to be able to understand each other and figure out how you both feel about sex. As Dr Webberley suggested, communication is the key, and it would be brilliant if you could discuss the issues together, perhaps with some professional counselling to help you understand each other better and express yourselves.

One other thing though, you mentioned that he ejaculates very quickly and I wonder if that is a possible reason why he is reluctant to have any sexual contact, as some men can feel uncomfortable about this. There are plenty of techniques and tips for him if he does wish to have sexual contact and delay his ejaculation, but of course this has to be something that he wants to do and it is more important to talk to him generally about sex first, and figure out what is going on.

Please let us know if you have further questions.