what to do?
Moderator: talkhealth
what to do?
My mother has been acting increasingly 'weird' recently, and having looked up dementia I am sure she ticks lots of the boxes. I have tried to discuss this with my father but he won't discuss it at all with me and my mother just keeps saying its her age / tired etc. I would really welcome any advice as to what is the best thing to do now - should I go and see her doctor, try and get her to go to a doctor etc etc. I am assuming if she does have some form of dementia (and now read that there is more than one form of it & would have no idea what type she has) that it is better to try and get her going into some form of treatment as soon as possible? I am also concerned that I sound really pushy and heartless but my sister also has the same view and we are so worried about her and also the impact it will have on my father and actually all our families.
-
Nurse Ian Weatherhead
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:18 am
Re: what to do?
Hi Sammy,
It's not about being pushy, it's just showing your caring and concerned about your parents!
This is something we get asked on our helpline every week, families concerned about parents and what to do.
Firstly though, you say your mum has been acting weird recently. Although some of her behaviour may fit the tick boxes of dementia, it may not be dementia. It is always important to rule other potential causes of changes in behaviour out, which is why a visit to the GP really helps. They will do screening for other possible causes, ie underlying infection, vitamin/ mineral or chemical imbalances such as low Sodium levels in the blood, problems with the Thyroid gland etc.
If the changes have been recent it would suggest something other than dementia, which more often than not is a slow gradual onset of symptoms and changes in memory and behaviour, often over years rather than weeks.
Depression also needs to be considered, as symptoms can often be mistaken for dementia and vice versa. Tiredness and low energy levels would fit more into depression or a physical cause rather than dementia.
Whatever the problem it needs investigating and treatment options considered.
If the GP does think further investigation is required for memory issues then they should refer on to the Older Adults Mental Health or Memory Services.
But first things first, rule out other possible causes, which generally is how dementia becomes diagnosed.
It can help to keep a diary of your concerns too. Are there any patterns, changes at certain times of day, ie are mornings better or worse than evenings, have eating habits changed, what types of 'weird' behaviour are you seeing? How long does it last, what was she doing immediately before this behaviour happened, how is her sleep etc. collecting this kind of information can greatly help the GP in his assessment of the problem by building up a fuller picture of changes
Kind regards..
Hope this helps as a starting point!
It's not about being pushy, it's just showing your caring and concerned about your parents!
This is something we get asked on our helpline every week, families concerned about parents and what to do.
Firstly though, you say your mum has been acting weird recently. Although some of her behaviour may fit the tick boxes of dementia, it may not be dementia. It is always important to rule other potential causes of changes in behaviour out, which is why a visit to the GP really helps. They will do screening for other possible causes, ie underlying infection, vitamin/ mineral or chemical imbalances such as low Sodium levels in the blood, problems with the Thyroid gland etc.
If the changes have been recent it would suggest something other than dementia, which more often than not is a slow gradual onset of symptoms and changes in memory and behaviour, often over years rather than weeks.
Depression also needs to be considered, as symptoms can often be mistaken for dementia and vice versa. Tiredness and low energy levels would fit more into depression or a physical cause rather than dementia.
Whatever the problem it needs investigating and treatment options considered.
If the GP does think further investigation is required for memory issues then they should refer on to the Older Adults Mental Health or Memory Services.
But first things first, rule out other possible causes, which generally is how dementia becomes diagnosed.
It can help to keep a diary of your concerns too. Are there any patterns, changes at certain times of day, ie are mornings better or worse than evenings, have eating habits changed, what types of 'weird' behaviour are you seeing? How long does it last, what was she doing immediately before this behaviour happened, how is her sleep etc. collecting this kind of information can greatly help the GP in his assessment of the problem by building up a fuller picture of changes
Kind regards..
Hope this helps as a starting point!
Ian Weatherhead
Lead Dementia Nurse
http://www.admiralnurseacademy.org/
Lead Dementia Nurse
http://www.admiralnurseacademy.org/
Re: what to do?
Thank you so much - I now don't feel such a baddie! I also feel relieved that others go through similar issues. Will start putting together a list and think it might also be a great way to get my dad brought into actually thinking about the issues in a practical manner etc and then will see the GP. That really has put my mind at rest as now I feel I am doing something positive and not just sitting back worrying and doing nothing.....
-
OT Lindsey Skelt
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:18 am
Re: what to do?
Hi Sammy,
I agree with Ian in all he says. In addition to keeping a diary, perhaps sit with your sister and think of questions you may have for the doctor. We can never remember all we want to ask and some of the questions may not be able to be answered straight away.
Your mother keeps saying its her age or she is tired, perhaps she is frightened at not feeling herself. For some people it can be reassuring to have someone say ' if you are feeling tired what about a check up to see if something can be done to help you' and then offering to go as well if she would like. Of course in a supportive manner for her. As Ian said its important to rule out other causes.
You can always contact the GP and express your concerns and ask for their advice as to how help your mother achieve a visit to her GP. Some older people have annual health checks so her GP may already be seeing her for a review and be grateful to be made aware of concerns.
It can sometimes take a while to help our parents take that first step, its important for families to remain supportive of each other which it sounds as if you and your sister are.
Good Luck, there is help and support out there but sometimes its hard to know where to start. Thank you for your post
I agree with Ian in all he says. In addition to keeping a diary, perhaps sit with your sister and think of questions you may have for the doctor. We can never remember all we want to ask and some of the questions may not be able to be answered straight away.
Your mother keeps saying its her age or she is tired, perhaps she is frightened at not feeling herself. For some people it can be reassuring to have someone say ' if you are feeling tired what about a check up to see if something can be done to help you' and then offering to go as well if she would like. Of course in a supportive manner for her. As Ian said its important to rule out other causes.
You can always contact the GP and express your concerns and ask for their advice as to how help your mother achieve a visit to her GP. Some older people have annual health checks so her GP may already be seeing her for a review and be grateful to be made aware of concerns.
It can sometimes take a while to help our parents take that first step, its important for families to remain supportive of each other which it sounds as if you and your sister are.
Good Luck, there is help and support out there but sometimes its hard to know where to start. Thank you for your post
Lindsey Skelt
Occupational Therapist
http://www.shires-therapy.co.uk/
Occupational Therapist
http://www.shires-therapy.co.uk/
-
lindseyann132
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2012 5:38 pm
Re: what to do?
Hello, please can anyone advise me on the best way to deal with my grandmother. She is 84 years old and has suffered from dementia for the past two years. I am her main carer but it is heartbreaking at times to have the same conversations. My grandfather passed away nearly 18 years ago but she is constantly cooking meals and looking through the window waiting for him to take her shopping. I really dont know the best way forward, sometimes its easier to go along with the conversation in that she thinks he is at work because half an hour later we will discuss the same thing. The number of meals that get thrown away is getting to be a nightmare and i have started just leaving one or two items in the fridge as they end up getting thrown out. I try to put on a brave face but it is so difficult.... Can anyone offer any advice.... Thank you
-
Dr Andrew McCaddon
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:59 pm
Re: what to do?
Hi Sammy K! Call me "old fashioned", but there is a lovely description of General Practice which I think applies here; "General Practice is not a speciality in the usual sense. General Practitioners are specialists in their patients, rather than in disease." What I am getting at is that your Family Doctor likely knows your mum well from past experience, and he/she is ideally placed to consider her current behaviour in light of past experience. (As I say, sadly, this might happen less often these days, but for me it is the essence of General Practice!) Anyway, as the others say, the first port of call here is definitely your Family Doctor. If your mum is reluctant/cant be persuaded to go along to see the GP, I am always personally VERY happy to see a close relative such as yourself to discuss how best to take things forward. Usually, one way or another, we can construct a mutually satisfactory plan as to the way ahead. From past experience, this can take various guises, depending on the circumstances, from an innocent looking invite to your mum for a "general health check up" to a drop in visit on the basis of "I was just passing, and thought I would see how you are..." etc... There are many ways to do this.. bottom line? Dont be afraid of accessing GP services, and it IS very important that your mum gets checked out re these symptoms.
Dr Andrew McCaddon
General Practitioner
General Practitioner
-
OT Lindsey Skelt
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:18 am
Re: what to do?
Hi Lindseyann,I know it is heartbreaking, but your approach is the right one. As part of our approach we use something called 'validation therapy' it is a way being with the person in what ever time or place is real to them at that time. As you put it to 'go along' with the conversation. So if your grandmother is looking for her husband to go shopping or to cook his meal it could be engaging in the conversation about what did she used to buy for him what was his favourite dinner, food etc then then guide the conversation back to well today you have got x for lunch. Remembering that we are trying to help the person stay in wellbeing, and they will be knowing what they are thinking is right so for you to challenge their thoughts directly can lead to distress, where through conversation there is often a work around. As you say the conversation can be repeated, often people will forget what is said but will remember how they felt during the conversation. So although your grandmother may not remember the actual conversation content you had with her she will know how you made her feel, and that to have a conversation with you feels nice, shes feels happy (part of wellbeing). We may feel the conversation is repeated but for the person it is a new conversation each time. I hope this makes some sense and is a helpful start for you, do ask if you want more information, there is a lot more I could add but i'm trying to be succinct. Best wishes....
Lindsey Skelt
Occupational Therapist
http://www.shires-therapy.co.uk/
Occupational Therapist
http://www.shires-therapy.co.uk/
-
Nurse Ian Weatherhead
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:18 am
Re: what to do?
Hi Lindseyann,
It is very trying and distressing at times, but I agree with everything that Lindsey says, it's about acknowledging what the person is thinking is real to them at that time.
Quite often we hear people in care homes or hospital say 'I want to go home', or 'I have to go pick the children up' for example, by acknowledging what they say, and in the first example try responding by saying, 'home must have been very important to you, tell me more about it' can open up much richer conversation and as Lindsey points out will enable you at some point to guide things to the here and now without confrontation or correcting. Sometimes people may cry or become tearful at memories, however that is normal, we all do that, just because someone with dementia may cry doesn't mean such rich memories should be avoided, again, it's validating what the person is experiencing, rather than denying them that opportunity.
Keep up the excellent work with your grandmother.
It is very trying and distressing at times, but I agree with everything that Lindsey says, it's about acknowledging what the person is thinking is real to them at that time.
Quite often we hear people in care homes or hospital say 'I want to go home', or 'I have to go pick the children up' for example, by acknowledging what they say, and in the first example try responding by saying, 'home must have been very important to you, tell me more about it' can open up much richer conversation and as Lindsey points out will enable you at some point to guide things to the here and now without confrontation or correcting. Sometimes people may cry or become tearful at memories, however that is normal, we all do that, just because someone with dementia may cry doesn't mean such rich memories should be avoided, again, it's validating what the person is experiencing, rather than denying them that opportunity.
Keep up the excellent work with your grandmother.
Ian Weatherhead
Lead Dementia Nurse
http://www.admiralnurseacademy.org/
Lead Dementia Nurse
http://www.admiralnurseacademy.org/
-
lindseyann132
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2012 5:38 pm
Re: what to do?
Thank you so much for your advice, there have been times when i havent known how to deal with things, i have found this website to be so useful and will help me deal with things better. Thank you again.
Re: what to do?
Hi Lindseyann, I am no proffesional, my wife first started with dementia in 2005. The trick is to let it all flow over the top of you, never argue, you will never win. Pretend that it is the first time that you have heard the story. You will hear the same one many more times, you will just have to get used to this. It is very hard.
There is a thing called Sundowners Syndrome, it is to do with the fact that ladies of yesteryear, stayed at home whilst their husband went out to work. I'm from that generation, spoilt, you will probably say, I have now had to learn how to cook. Of an evening they go into automatic gear and want to get the evening meal ready for when their husband comes home. Your grandmother will be of that generation. Try and find a distracting occupation at this time of night for her, so that she forgets to get the evening meal. Easier said than done! Have you tried children's jigsaw puzzles? or any other simple games?
Part of sundowners is also wanting to go home, this often means that they need to feel needed and loved. Of an evening my wife usually asks where her mother is, she died in 1976, often she asks for other deceased members of her family. I gently remind her that they are no longer with us, and she will agree and say that she does remember. Give her a hug and tell her that you love her.
I try and have a happy house, we always look for the funny side of things, laughter is always the best medicine, my wife cannot speak much, but can still give me a good dressing down when I say something rediculous, and then we have a laugh about how silly I was.
I hope this is of some help to you, remember do not dig yourself into a hole that you cannot get out of, just let it flow and try to gently steer things the way you want. It is not easy.
Rodge34
There is a thing called Sundowners Syndrome, it is to do with the fact that ladies of yesteryear, stayed at home whilst their husband went out to work. I'm from that generation, spoilt, you will probably say, I have now had to learn how to cook. Of an evening they go into automatic gear and want to get the evening meal ready for when their husband comes home. Your grandmother will be of that generation. Try and find a distracting occupation at this time of night for her, so that she forgets to get the evening meal. Easier said than done! Have you tried children's jigsaw puzzles? or any other simple games?
Part of sundowners is also wanting to go home, this often means that they need to feel needed and loved. Of an evening my wife usually asks where her mother is, she died in 1976, often she asks for other deceased members of her family. I gently remind her that they are no longer with us, and she will agree and say that she does remember. Give her a hug and tell her that you love her.
I try and have a happy house, we always look for the funny side of things, laughter is always the best medicine, my wife cannot speak much, but can still give me a good dressing down when I say something rediculous, and then we have a laugh about how silly I was.
I hope this is of some help to you, remember do not dig yourself into a hole that you cannot get out of, just let it flow and try to gently steer things the way you want. It is not easy.
Rodge34
Join with Google
Join with Facebook