talkhealth Blog

The article in the new Slimming World magazine – ‘The upside of Envy’ – made me wonder whether any good really could come out of my envious feelings. I won’t go into the detail of the article – you can buy the magazine! – but I thought I would look at some of the things I have been envious of over the years…

My first real pangs of envy – that I can recall – stirred when I watched the ‘magic shoes’ advert for Clark’s secret key shoes! I wanted so desperately to be that little girl, rescuing the daylight from the witch. I got the shoes – and took them to bed with me as I was so obsessed with them…in fact I took most of my shoes to bed with me! I never had the lovely curly hair that she did in the advert, even when my Mum tied my hair in rags overnight…they got knotted up and almost needed cutting out!

After this bout of envy, I was then subjected to the perfect ‘friend’ at primary school. She was pretty with thick long blonde hair, good at sports, popular – even with the boys, very clever, got more Christmas cards than I did which were delivered in a shoddy cardboard postbox, the list of her wonderfulness was long. Hmmm…fast-forward ten years and she got shite GCSE results, had three kids fathered by different men, and no job. I am pleased that the envy didn’t turn into adulation and copy-cat behaviour in this instance!

There were general envious feelings about anyone who had anything to do with horses. My favourite colour is purple due to the fact that A) Cadburys chocolate wrappers had a purple theme, B) It is the colour of royalty and I have always had delusions of grandeur, and C) My favourite horse rider wore purple colours when she rode cross-country! I was devastated when people used to have contact with horses and I didn’t – for example when my perfect blonde school friend went trekking on holiday, or if she had more lessons that I had. My inner bitch came out, even as a child, and I used to ask them hard questions about horses and would revel in glory when they got the answers wrong…what a little madam I was.

Being labelled a lesbian was as a result of my envy too. I had an awful habit of staring at girls legs when I was a teenager…and got caught doing this – hence the lesbian label. I remember telling the boy who gave me that title that I would probably have more fun with girls than boys anyway! My desire to have a lovely figure and to look ‘normal’ was so strong even at that age, that I couldn’t help but look at girls – not because I wanted to pash them (although, Angelina – if you are reading…I probably would!) but because I wanted to look like them…to fit in.

An English teacher of mine had taken a disliking to me at secondary school. I think it was because I used to read ahead of her during class and would finish the book before she had finished reading…maybe my star was shining too brightly for her to deal with! It might also have something to do with the fact that her son attended the school and had tried to hit my sister…until I thumped him in the ribs…no-one messes with my sister! Anyway, we were tasked with a project and off I went. ‘Suffragettes’ was the subject I went with and my project was bloody marvellous. A friend of mine decided to pinch the idea and had made a half-assed attempt at doing a good job…and she went and got a bloody ‘A’ whilst I ended up with a ‘B+’. I was livid! I wouldn’t have minded under normal circumstances, but this ‘friend’ had only switched to the same topic after reading my project and pinching all my ideas…so I was pissed off and envious!

There was all of the usual envy that a fat teenage girl has. Not being able to fit into trendy clothes, not having boys interested in you – unless they wanted to talk to you about how they fancied your slimmer mates, not looking hot in a gym skirt, and always getting stuck in goal or defence positions in any game of sport! I got over that though when I realised that 90′s fashion won’t leave a lasting stamp on the world, boys just wanted to feel your boobs and then tell an exaggerated story to their mates, that nobody really looks hot in a polyester pleated skirt – oh, wait, Britney pulled it off in her ‘hit me’ video…not the only thing she pulled off I’ll bet! – and that defence was a really important position…ask any football player who has failed to score a penalty after a goalkeeper save.

Surprisingly, I was envious in a way of the woman my Dad left my Mum for. I wasn’t upset, as my Dad – as much as I love and adore him – was a bit of a dick to my Mum and they are far better off apart. I just didn’t like that she took his attention away from my sister and I, and had pretended to be my Mums friend in order to get closer to my Dad. In fact, I actually had wonderful dreams about torturing her! Luckily – for her as much as me – I grew out of that. If my Dad is happy then that’s all that counts…as my Mum sure is happy without him!

Entering the world of work saw envy rear it’s ugly head on many occasions. Envy over salary differences – equal pay act anyone?! Envy over posh suits and sexy office-bitch outfits. Envy over who got the biggest bonuses. Envy about those who seemed to have it all yet did feck all for it. Envy over those that slept their way around without any consequences. Of course there was envy over those who did a great job, but if I am being honest, I am yet to find anyone who I really wished to be like. I have never met anyone that inspiring whom I looked up to. Most of the people I have worked with – senior to me – have been eejits that I have gotten the measure of very quickly…and would not want to emulate. Some of my colleagues have been wonderful and I love hearing about the progress they are making…no envy at all.

Of course, there is the dieting envy. I often see Twitter updates from people who have lost mega amounts in a week. I can’t help but have a pang of jealousy when I see these. Yet I used to do this – my record was 19lbs off in a week…but I think I put most of it back on the following week. And therein lies the problem. Most of the spectacular results I see are followed by gains or periods of staying the same…yoyo dieting. I have worked so hard to move away from this, so when I see people asking for tips and hints from those big hitters, I almost wince. Not that they haven’t got genuinely helpful hints and tips to share, but because they struggle to sustain these types of losses…and this isn’t something to envy. It is bloody awful to keep yoyo-ing…it makes you feel rubbish and you wonder if you are ever going to reach your goal. So instead of envying these people, I just wish them well and hope that they can get a bit of consistency…and of course I hope that they reach their goal too! I also hope and wish that people noticed those Twitter updates from people who have small but consistent losses…this is what we should be envious of…and we should turn that envy into action.

My envy sometimes makes me laugh and often bites me in the bum! I get envious of people for various reasons, but then the smoke and mirrors disappear and I see these people for who and what they really are…so envy is a bit pointless in my opinion. Some might think that envy can be good, sort of propelling you along in healthy competition with others. For me however, the only person you ever need to compete with is the one you see when you look in the mirror!

Right then, let’s look at the usuals…

Another restless night was topped off with an alarm clock that went off far too early for my liking! I got on with my exercise and then my other half’s project, and then we headed to see the horses and popped to Asda. When we got back home I went down to my sisters house and caught up with her and the kids, having totally forgotten that I am on babysitting duty tomorrow! I headed home for a late lunch and just mooched. For some reason I have been in a foul mood for most of the day, so my other half has just tried to cheer me up by dancing around to ‘Right said Fred’ and ‘Too Sexy’…I don’t think it worked! I am hoping to catch up with Luther tonight and get some sleep in preparation for my babysitting exertion tomorrow.

Breakfast: HiFi bar (1 x HEB).

Lunch: Jacket potato, cottage cheese, salad and Quorn turkey style slices.

Dinner: Mixed bean ratatouille with rice topped with cheese (2 x HEA and 1 x HEB).

Snacks: Two packets of French Fries (8 syns) and two packets of Snack a Jacks (9 syns) and a banana.

Ooh – a naughty 17 syns today…but it was the hangover of yesterday as I had listed all of my French Fries in last nights post but didn’t eat them all in the end! And, I have been a real rat-bag today…in the mood to take somebodies head off…so the crisps were needed! My food has been okay – normal really. Lunch was nice. It was the first time I had tried the Quorn turkey and stuffing slices and they were really tasty – and syn free too. Dinner was a mixture of ratatouille type veggies – onion, courgette, tomatoes, tomato purée, peppers – with a can of mixed beans in tomato sauce and a packet of Batchelor’s savoury rice, topped with cheesy loveliness…one of those cheesy blankets that Adam Richman got me started on…yes, it looks terribly unhealthy…but it wasn’t, so don’t even think about giving me grief over it!

Exercise: 1 x 30 minute and 2 x 15 minute treadmill session, and 1 x 15 minute BodyPump / Swiss Ball session.

This mornings exercise session went well. I am playing around with the incline on the treadmill to keep my heart rate within the fat burning zone! My aim is to get fit enough to make the best use of gym facilities…so I am focussing upon building up my stamina so that when I get to a gym, and in the hands of a personal trainer, I can really up my game in terms of intensity.

Thank you for reading – and I hope that HumpDay has treated you well!

Weight Loss Bitch xxx

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WeightLossBitch

On a health and fitness driven journey to lose over 32st / 448lbs / 203kgs – yes, it is a considerable amount – I am committed to losing my excess weight without the aid of weight loss surgery, diet pills, or quick fixes…as there aren’t any! Changing my eating habits and building up my fitness levels, along with addressing the ‘head issues’ will be crucial in order for me to achieve my goal. Living in England as a 31 year old super morbidly obese woman can be challenging to say the least. I have been shouted at in the street and verbally abused far too many times to mention; hence the name ‘Weight Loss Bitch’…the day I am just called a ‘bitch’ instead of a ‘fat bitch’ will be the day that I know I have cracked my weight loss! With many reasons to lose this weight I am documenting my journey for a number of reasons. Firstly, I would like to keep a record of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and the challenges I face with such an enormous task to tackle. Secondly, I would also like to inspire and encourage other people who are in a similar situation and to show them that significant amounts of weight can be lost naturally…with a bit of motivation, hard work, dedication and will power. Thirdly, all of the blogging, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, Pinterest-ing and YouTube-ing keeps me occupied and keeps my fingers out of the fridge!