For any GoggleBox watchers, I had a bit of a Leon moment last night and ended up eating a cheese cracker for 1 syn that hadn’t appeared in last nights blog!
My other half had bought some Carr’s cheese melts. Cheese of any kind is my nemesis…but cheesy crackers take it to a whole other level! Wow – it tasted good…too good for my palate which is now used to organic wholegrain rice cakes. He decided that I should eat one, just one.
How many times has someone encouraged you to eat just one? On holiday I was told to have just one chip…and then it was just one ice cream…the other day it was just one small slice of cake. For me, just one is never an option…just one leads to two, which leads to three, which leads to four…and then the box is empty! So I resisted that chip and the ice cream and the cake. Simple really – I know that if I have a little, it leads to a lot…so why put myself in that position?
Once you get that taste, your body takes over – the taste buds go into overdrive, the mind goes a little gaga, and the fingers seem to end up going from box to mouth with consummate ease! At least this is what seems to happen in my case. So I make a choice and that choice is not to tempt myself.
Let me tell you what happened when I had that cracker last night. First of all I panicked a little…I had already eaten 14.5 syns and the cracker was 1 syn…as nobbish as it seems, I was worried about half a fecking syn…10 little calories! I went through that ‘shall I shan’t I?’ turmoil too…curiosity prompted me – I thought I knew what would happen, I just wanted to test myself. Once I had the cracker in my hands though I was won over…the golden colour and little seeds on top were calling to me. Just as my other half was telling me to savour it, the whole thing jumped into my mouth – with a little help from me. I laughed, spraying a few crumbs around, and told him that it was too late to ‘savour’ as it was in there already! Then the noises of appreciation started…embarrassingly so, it did sound a little like a badly dubbed porno…and all of this over a Carr’s cheese melt! Once the eating part was over and done with, my tongue started removing the bits from my teeth for round two of the cracker enjoyment. Crazy stuff!
Having been on the healthy kick for a while now, I must say that I rarely think about food that I have eaten the day before. Maybe I might make reference to having a particularly nice meal, wondering how to recreate it as I rarely follow a recipe…but I don’t dwell on foods. However, today I have been thinking about that cheese cracker.
I was having a chat with my other half – who thinks that I am a food crazy – and tried to explain how I felt. I could still taste that solitary cracker in a weird way – remembering how great it tasted. I could remember the way my brain went into overdrive. I told him that I felt guilty for having it…that I felt as if it was dangerous territory. He tried encouraging me to enjoy my cheese crackers, and told me to have them tonight as my syns. Yet I knew how quickly I ate that one cracker – in fact, it might be a biscuit…the Jaffa debate! If I ate that one crackerbiscuit so quickly, then I would do the same again.
Why would I want to put temptation in my way? Why would I want to jeopardise the hard work it has taken to get me to this point, for five minutes of cheesy pleasure? I have a choice – last night I chose to test myself…and that little test showed me that I am still not able to have this type of food without feeling a little out of control. So I won’t be trying that again for a while. I won’t be putting myself in that position.
If I think about other addictions, people never have just a little…just one drink, or just one line. With food, it is treated differently – I often get told to enjoy ‘just one’…people feel that it’s okay to offer, and when that offer is refused they offer again. I have now started telling people that ‘I don’t eat that’…I am telling myself that as much as I am telling them! I even tell fibs to help make my day easier – like the food allergy fib I told the waitress so that I could eat my packed lunch in peace, or the gluten allergy I used to tell people that I had at work so that I could avoid the sandwiches on offer.
Do what you need to do. Make your choices. If you know that you can’t handle just one piece…don’t do it! Make your choice – pleasure that lasts for a moment…or a feeling of smug contended-ness when you crawl into bed at night.
I decided to enjoy my LowLow cheese tonight, but partnered it with Ryvita. No disrespect to Ryvita lovers – they are lovely, but I seriously doubt they have ended up on a binge eaters ‘want’ list. Cheese straws, cheese twists, cheese biscuits = yes…Ryvita = no!
So then, a whole blog dedicated to the devilish loveliness of Carr’s cheese melts. If those crackers had an ass, they would be twerking temptingly right now, trying to lure me in. They are still in the cupboard…and that’s where they will stay until he eats them!
Apart from cracker-gate, today has been fine. I got up and worked for a while after a rather disturbed night of sleep. I wondered if my horses would still be on the hill I left them on yesterday – this weather is awful. It was then time for aquafit – a new instructor put me through my paces – and after this I had a swim. Oooh – I got a nice compliment from lady who said, “I just wanted to say that I thought you did really well in that class” – lovely of her. I told her my story and her jaw hit the bottom of the pool at the mention of 17st lost. She then nearly drowned when I told her I went to the gym seven times a week! As much as I love compliments – I give them often too – I had to wonder if she would have said the same thing to someone who was a size 12. Yes, I did well during that class…because I work my arse off! I don’t want to sound like a dick over a compliment, but I have often thought that I might pay a fellow fattie a compliment in the gym. I stop myself each time though, remembering that I have no idea about their story…they could go to the gym fourteen times a week, have dropped 20st and be highly offended that I thought they needed a boost. For me, I love the gym. I don’t feel uncomfortable in there. The compliment was lovely and I accepted it graciously, swimming along and chatting to the lady who gave it…but like I said, I doubt that she would have said anything if I was a size 12…a shame really, as I know plenty of thin gymaphobes who would love a confidence boost! After this we headed to the jacket potato man, then checked on the horses who were fine, then it was off to Asda, a coaching call, I popped to see the kids, caught up with the lovely Lisa from Lifestyles gym – the gym I would go to if I lived closer! – and then headed home for some more Breaking Bad. I am nearing the final few episodes…and wondering what to watch next!
I mentioned it last night, but just had to share my fruit basket with you – from the lovely consultant at the groups I spoke at last night…
Breakfast: Fruit (from the aforementioned fruit basket!)
A good food day…a hungry food day! Brekkie was a nice selection from my basket. Lunch was a post work-out one…with cottage cheese and beans for protein. Dinner was lovely – the Linda Mc sausages with a load of veggies with Cajun seasoning, and the BFree wraps – one is a HEB or 4.5 syns…I finally found them in Asda. My snacks were good too. I did have my cheesy crackers! And I also made some hummus – a tin of chickpeas, mayo and garlic – and had this with the leftover minty bean salad and some carrot sticks.
Exercise: 45 minutes of Aquafit and a 20 minute swim.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx