This was the statement that Mr WLB made a couple of hours ago.
It got me thinking, as I was also asked this morning if I ever give in and go off plan.
There was a point in time, well before I reached my heaviest weight, that I could just not envisage myself as someone who had control over their eating. I was ruled by food. If I saw an advert for a new chocolate bar, I HAD to have it or else thoughts of it would dominate my mind. The same could be said for a KFC or Burger King advert. And if a leaflet was pushed through the door for a new takeaway, I would scan the menu and select all of the items that I wanted to try…and that would HAVE to be done quickly, with me ordering a takeaway that evening. And as I was doing this, my weight kept creeping up and up and up…I despaired at times.
I never imagined that I could go out for lunch in a pub and choose a healthy option without feeling deprived, or go to a family party and not stuff myself full of beige food. I never imagined that a 1kg bar of Dairy Milk would sit open in the fridge for days without me sneaking a piece, or that a multipack of crisps could remain in the cupboard for more than a couple of hours. And I certainly never imagined a Christmas and New Year without mince pies, Christmas pudding and a cheese board…all enjoyed by me, exclusively!
For me, there is now no ‘plan’ to go off…this eating feels like a way of life. For the most part I do not get cravings, I do not feel deprived, and I am happy with the progress I am making – both physically and emotionally. The past few weeks have been challenging, as you know! I am putting in this effort and not getting the ‘number’ results that I am looking for…but feel fantastic, so it’s a case of weighing up the mental progress, and physical progress in terms of my fitness levels.
The thing that I came to realise was that this weight loss battle is an emotional and mental one. The food and exercise is the mechanical part…you know what to eat and how to move, or can find out how to do this fairly quickly. The mind however is the bit that buggers you up.
A lovely lady that I spent some time with on Sunday mentioned the fact that she was always looking for a quick result. For four years she wanted to lose weight, yet for four years she stayed the same weight. She was constantly on and off plans that were too rigid, too difficult to stick to…setting herself unattainable goals that dented her self-esteem. She now realises that if she just took it slowly, changing her habits gradually, accepting that there would be slip-ups, dealing with the ups and downs, that she could have lost 0.5lbs a week and been at her goal within a couple of years…yet four years later, she was no further forward. In fact, she had probably set herself back in terms of the mental and emotional side of things.
Imagine planning to lose weight, but not focusing on the food for the first few months. Imagine just dealing with the mental aspects…working out ways of dealing with your danger zones – those moments when you want to go food-crazy. Imagine allowing yourself to still enjoy the foods that you want, but removing the guilt. Imagine becoming comfortable with yourself, and loving you for you…not for a number, or a dress size. I imagine recognising the changes in your behaviour…as if it is happening without any real effort. Imagine doing all of this before even contemplating changing your diet.
This is what I feel would benefit people before they get involved in the cycle of constant stop/start/lose weight/gain even more weight, stop/start/lose weight/gain even more weight, stop/start/lose weight/gain even more weight, stop/start/lose weight/gain even more weight…you get the picture. I always pushed myself to stop behaving how I was used to behaving overnight – even though I had been behaving like that for years. I wanted to go from a binge queen to a saint. And I wanted to do this immediately. When I think about it now, I laugh. How fecking stupid?!
I mentioned to a wonderful lady this morning that I wish I had started writing this blog on the first night that I joined Slimming World. I wish I took a photo of the Chinese takeaway I consumed immediately after weigh in. I wish I could show you what I was eating during that first six months. I only started writing my blog as my mind was getting there…it wasn’t perfect, and still isn’t – never will be I suspect – but I would hate for you to get the wrong impression. I certainly did not change overnight!
There were ups and downs, twists and turns, tears and tantrums.
But I worked through it and learnt that each time I dealt with these moments, I got stronger. I became more immune to temptation…and genuinely don’t want half of the food I used to eat anymore. My sweet tooth has well and truly buggered off. Today for example, I watched an advert for M&S whilst I was on the elliptical machine…the sight of their sugar plum pudding almost made me heave…yet perhaps last year, but definitely the year before, I would have been queuing up for one of them! Although I did look away when the KFC advert came on, as I still get the horn for fried chicken!
So there we go then. I am far from perfect, I am not made of steel, I do get cravings but I don’t dwell on them anymore and they soon bugger off, and I love eating the food that I eat…there is no such thing as a ‘plan’ now…it’s become the norm. This in itself is very strange…I sometimes wonder where that binge eating monster is. Monster in the nicest possible sense of the word…but bloody hell, given the amount I ate, it was pretty monstrous! I wait for myself to slip up, and wonder how I will deal with it. I encourage others to remove the guilt, yet wonder how I would deal with a slip up…it hasn’t happened for such a long time.
Anyway – that’s it for the day. I have finished my assignment and sent it off to be ‘looked at’ by a student helper…I am so used to writing reports rather than essays, and my last assignments were either 5000 or 10,000 words…so a few thousand feels quite alien and the university I attend now have a different referencing system too. So I am stressing, probably unnecessarily, over this! I babysat for a while and sang Christmas songs and read a new book with my nephew. And now I am going to watch some TV and wind up Mr WLB who is attempting a reduction of ciggies!
Breakfast: Porridge with berries and bananas (5 syns).
A nice food day today. A decent brekkie of porridge…which was something that my consultant wanted me to try having this week…and it set me up nicely for the gym. I fancied burgers as I haven’t had them for a while – ooooh, all of a week or so I reckon! – and so used 2 syns for the burgers and 2 syns for an extra slice of cheese as I am not having two HEA choices now that I am on EE. Dinner was nice. I fancied a jacket potato but couldn’t settle on a topping…so chose a few! I fancied a Nakd bar, but didn’t have the syns for it, so settled for my rice cakes instead.
Exercise: 5 minutes on the treadmill, 45 minutes of weights and 30 minutes on the elliptical machine.
Thank you for reading,
Weight Loss Bitch xxx